You remember a few weeks ago I was explaining how I had caved and gotten a haircut even though we had no new baby on our horizon? Well, we didn’t. But a few days later, a new baby’s life began inside me.
We are in awe and so grateful for the gift of this precious child. After praying for and grieving with so many other families who have lost babies or are struggling with infertility, I’ve felt so unworthy to receive this overwhelming gift. I’ve been nervous about sharing our news, afraid of flaunting something we have and they don’t. As far as we know, this tiny person inside me still lives, and refusing to take this for granted helps me through the nausea and crazy hormonal emotions. But accepting this life means letting go of it. Receiving this gift requires surrendering it. Loving a child, especially in the first vulnerable part of his life, means embracing grief, keeping our hearts wide open despite the fact that we will someday, whether soon or much, much later, have to give this beloved back to his Heavenly Father. So as we continue to pray for and grieve with all those who grieve, we are reveling in this chance to begin loving this small person, to nourish this life, and are looking forward, God willing, to a special delivery smack dab in the middle of the craziness of Advent and Christmas. And we trust God to stretch our hearts even wider than my belly.
Miss Maria doesn’t understand why Mama keeps saying there’s a baby in that squishy bit of her that’s so fun to bounce on, but babies are awesome, so she repeats that delightful word anyway.
Five weeks, two days baby (soon to be) bump. This was after taking a third test “just to be sure.” Since we’ve had so many false alarms over the past year, and have gotten very used to explaining symptoms away, Stephen and I have had a hard time wrapping our minds around the fact that yes, it’s for real this time, that is a baby in there.